Have you failed your New Year’s resolutions? Do not you worry

At the end of the year, I asked readers to anonymously share their fantastically failed New Year’s resolutions. I did this in part because, as someone with a dismal track record in the resolution-keeping department (if my resolve to do or not do anything lasts until the first weekend in January, it’s almost a miracle), I wanted to see like sun I was

But I also did it because I think there’s something we can all gain by shouting our shortcomings at the same time from the rooftops: power over them. So, consider the 13 laughable self-improvement lapses outlined here less confessions and more a way to enthusiastically embrace what makes us all human. Perhaps by sharing their epic mistakes, missteps and mishaps in this very public but still very safe space, the readers who answered the call are helping us all start the new year with a slate and a spring in our step collective

  • “My first New Year’s resolution was to become a better hugger. A good hug is a wonderful thing, and I’ve always felt awkward about them. It was 2020 and I think we all know how that goes go this resolution”.
  • “No Häagen-Dazs for a year. Had a pint of chocolate chips at 10:30 on New Year’s Day. Never looked back.”
  • “I vowed to walk the hill I live on (it’s steep), 2 miles total up and down. I did it. Once. So I’ve revised that resolution from everyday to at least once this year. And I did it. Wow me. (I also vowed to give up underwire bras forever, and this one stuck! Thanks, Pandemic Clothing Guidelines.)”
  • “One resolution was to lose absolutely 10 pounds in February. 29. There was no fever. 29 that year.”
  • “I told myself this was the year to try to swim at least one mile in the San Francisco Bay. I resolved on Dec. 31 to make the lifelong dream come true by the end of the year. I bought some sweats (now I put them on!) And I tried the torture and shame of buying a bathing suit I drove down to Crissy Field I put my toe in the water I experienced self-revolution at the cellular level. And leave that idea forever. Sweats was a big score!”
  • “The last time I attempted a New Year’s resolution was a decade ago when I decided I would try to be kinder on social media online. It wasn’t two weeks into January before I apologized to my critical co-head of art from the New York Times for my unkind words. He gave up on resolutions at the time. I’d like to add a note to this story: I have a hugely successful resolution in my life when I quit drinking in January. 1, 1991, and are now more than three decades sober.”
  • “In 2018 I decided to quit no to smoke. Although the brainwashing of my generation was strong for the fight against smoking, I nevertheless developed an attraction to it; a powerful and sensual outfit for the Hollywood glam lifestyle. I wanted to be a smoker. I imagined smoking after sex (super sexy, right?!) or at a party wearing a fur stole and a martini in the same hand. The cigarette was the perfect addition to any bold statement I had to make to my lover or in front of a crowd. I discovered this desire (which I had hidden for years) and as a present, my boyfriend bought me a pack of Marlboros (which I had mistaken for a deck of cards). Unfortunately, just holding it made me nauseous and I still haven’t smoked to this day.”
  • “My resolution was to have my first New Year’s Eve fling. And I did…and I ended up with crabs.”
  • “My embarrassing New Year’s resolution was to have a boyfriend by the end of the year. Still looking for that.” (Received on December 2.)
  • “I made the decision to quit smoking weed. It had gotten to the point where I’d been smoking every day for five years. I wasn’t derailing my life, but I wanted to try to get sober again. After the Cape Town festivities Year my friends and I came to my place in Culver City where we started smoking joints and taking edibles. I was just trying to get as high as humanly possible before I had to start a sober year. That year one of my friends got high on weed and offered me his tincture: a THC concoction that he used to put him to bed. He told me to take two drops before bed. After everyone had left, took the two drops prescribed to help me sleep. Thirty minutes later I was still awake. Took two more. Thirty minutes passed. It took three more. Then I finally fell asleep. The next morning I woke up stoned out of my mind I couldn’t even pull myself together for ten in the safety of my bed. I was there all day. Hiding under the covers. Finally, it calmed down in the afternoon. Good luck starting the year sober. I figured since I failed my resolution it was good to smoke weed for the rest of the year. There’s always next year.”
  • “My New Year’s resolution was to start a vegetable garden and incorporate them into my meals. It didn’t happen.”
  • “My wishful thinking and attempt at a failed relationship, only to realize it was a failed relationship.”
  • “I’ve failed so many New Year’s resolutions that I’ve stopped making them. I thought I should stop lying to myself.”

More ways to shake up 2023

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